✖

there’s been so many external stressors on my life rn that have really thrown me into a tailspin , and it all kind of started to get worse after I listened to a person talk about their abuser and the whole situation they experienced with them was so. startlingly similar to the situation I experienced with my ex – and then they even played clips of their abusers voice and it fucking /sounded/ like my ex to the point I started having flashbacks and wanted to throw up. haha.

tagged: +n  +sometimes i think about all the shit he put me through. and i still cry about it sometimes.  +and how fucking STUPID i was when i still wanted to be friends. because he never wanted that.  +i still remember when he told me about how he said he didnt want to be friends anymore because all i did was 'complain about him' on here  +when he fucking. Legitimately traumatized me. i cant stand being touched by people now and its his fucking fault.  +and he never took fucking responsibility for that! he just wanted to call me the bad guy!  +and i ADMITTED to what i did wrong multiple times and i still stand by that. but that wasnt good enough for him.  +it just. really drives the point home that he never fucking Actually cared about me. and only wanted me for what i could Give him.  +and the minute i wasnt available he decided i wasnt fucking worth the time.  +and tried to spread all sorts of shit that was either a GROSS exaggeration or an outright lie to paint me as a liar and an abuser  +it still. fucking hurts so fucking badly man.  +that ball of grief really never fucking goes away huh 

“lol I don’t have trauma over being ‘othered’ during middle/highschool!” (has One experience being 'othered’ as an adult in the workplace and has a full blown emotional breakdown over it with flashbacks to past situations)

tagged: +n  +i am normal :) qnd not damaged :)  +this Definitely doesnt feed directly into my insecurities that no one actually likes me and they just put up with me  +lol :'''') 

man i. really don’t like myself right now lmfao.

tagged: +n  +i was having such a good time and then i had to open my big fucking mouth and ruin it all  +and probably ruin everyone ELSES good time too!  +now im sick with worry about Everything and i kind. of just wanna die tbh  +at least i wouldnt be a bad friend and make everyone uncomfortable if i was (:  +it doesnt fucking matter yhat i have no one to talk to about this and how it is weighing So fucking heavily on my psyche  +like i literally cant stop thinking about the bad situation anf how im Scared about it  +and yes technically it doesnt affect me directly but im still involved. i feel like i should do aomething but i dont want to upset anyone  +idk  +im trapped in this bad place where i dont have anyone who'd understand the stress im under bc 'its not happening to me'  +and i didnt realize how badly it was affecting me until someone Literally told me to shut the fuck up about it.  +i dont know. im just. not in a good place right now.  +and that One external stressor is making everything Worse. 

i feel like such a fucking bad friend lmao there is absolutely no reason i should be near tears bc I had to cancel the Idea of a halloween party just so my other friend can have hers

tagged: +n  +its just. if i can be fucking selfish for a moment. ive given up So Fucking Much for her over the past few months.  +im social exhausted Constantly bc shes an extrovert and i dont get any chance to rest and relax anymore bc she needs to talk to us at home  +i stated Last Year i wanted to have a halloween party at my new house because!!! it was my new house!!! but that doesnt matter  +and i feel like such a bad fucking friend but i am stressed so fucking much now that shes living here  +literally. the reason jacob and i planned on having 🧜‍♀️ move in was because we Knew we could live comfortably with her  +and that hasnt changed!!!!!!! i WANT her to move in still!!  +but 🖋️ is literally making me Not Want To Be Home nowadays. and i fucking hate it. 

shxdowsneak:

lol im probably not gonna throw a Halloween party this year because my friend is throwing one at her parents place even tho she Knew i wanted to have one at my own house and i can’t in good faith have my friends have to go to Two different Halloween parties, especially if one is in fucking Wilkes-Barre. lmao

lol not me almost crying breaking the news to the group in the parking lot of my workplace lol 🤪🤪🤪 I hate myself

tagged: +n 

lol im probably not gonna throw a Halloween party this year because my friend is throwing one at her parents place even tho she Knew i wanted to have one at my own house and i can’t in good faith have my friends have to go to Two different Halloween parties, especially if one is in fucking Wilkes-Barre. lmao

tagged: +n  +im only a Little bitter. lmao  +like. its my favorite gd holiday and its at my Own House. but. sigh.  +its fine ill get over it.